Will update at some point!

Cause of my health, I can’t really manage to do lots of things at once. I can do basically one thing really well and then everything else suffers. Multitasking isn’t easy. So it’s been a long time since I’ve blogged (anywhere, not just here.) or even kept up with reading blogs of friends or bloggers I usually enjoy.

So I haven’t been blogging much, but I have been doing my best to just enjoy life and be useful and have a good time. You know that internet saying? Something about… if you have a good time but you didn’t take a picture of it, was it still fun? I’ve been doing lots of fun things but not really going to the effort of trying to vomit it all over the internet too. I have cooked/eaten cute foods with no cell phones involved. Ridden amusement park rides with no Instagram filters at any point. It’s not some sort of imposed anti-mobile phone or haughty ‘reclaim vintage fun’ movement. I just really don’t have the energy to give a crap about cultivating an online identity. That shit is hard to do.

So I’ll come back here and update this at some point. My kid is going into their first full-day school hours which should be some new motivation to make lunches again for the both of us. If you’re starting up a school year and want to share in some vegetarian lunchbox ideas and you like to waste time cutting food special ways while trying to convince yourself it’s not a waste of time because visually cute food also tastes better or something… then feel free to join me again probably in September. CHEERS!

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Fast Cute-weird Egg Nests (AH – SPM 10)

My go-to food is eggs. Shit, I love eggs. I could eat eggs every day, all day, and never get tired of it. I’m also such an asshole about grocery shopping and really haven’t been yet. (Yeah, it’s been a week.) That means I’m doing shit like eating lots of eggs cause who needs other foods (until the eggs run out)? And if I make eggs different kinds of ways then it’s kinda like I’m not eating only eggs, see? That’s winning logic right there.

[ An arrangement of food items on a bamboo cutting board: A grater with two hunks of hard white cheese, a clover shaped dish of salt, and two white-shelled eggs. ]
[ An arrangement of food items on a bamboo cutting board: A grater with two hunks of hard white cheese, a clover shaped dish of salt, and two white-shelled eggs. ]
This dish is so easy to whip up (whip, ha. Foreshadowed.) that it hardly requires an actual recipe. I first learned about it as a Summer Solstice food where you cook it on a piece of bread and it’s served to remind one of the coming of the sun or some shit, but I think it actually a French invention called “Nid d’Oeuf” (Nest Egg).

[ A close up of mounds of fluffy egg white on parchment paper. ]
[ A close up of mounds of fluffy egg white on parchment paper. ]
You simply separate as many eggs as you want and then whip the whites into stiff peaks. I cleaned the bowl with vinegar first and added a little salt to help aid the fluffing, as well as taste better. Once that was done, you fold in a little cheese if you like. I used a little bit of nice, sharp Beecher’s Flagship (my favorite) and a little hard parmesan.

It bakes with the whites only in an oven for 3 minutes at 450f, then take them out and plop the yolk on top and give it 3 more minutes. Then again, I’ve also made these with the yolk and white in at the same time and simply broiled carefully. Depends on how set you like your yolk, I guess.

[ A simple plating of nest egg with a side of raw spinach. There are also some sliced rye crackers on the small plate, which is blue and ringed in cartoon bears. ]
[ A simple plating of nest egg with a side of raw spinach. There are also some sliced rye crackers on the small plate, which is blue and ringed in cartoon bears. ]
I think all this plate needs is some tomatoes or peppers or something. Something red. Or maybe a nice, big salad with seeds. (Okay, I totally added kale and broccoli stems and pepita seeds to this salad after I took this picture. But at that point I was like… time to eat, not to photograph. So there you have it.)

Weird looking, retro, and tasty fluffy white-d eggs!

Booyah Teapot and Rose Cutter (AH; Snack; SPM 3)

[ A reflection of a camera and the photographer in the side of a shiny silver sugar bowl. ]
[ A reflection of a camera and the photographer in the side of a shiny silver sugar bowl. ]
Remember the end of The Return to Oz when Tik Tok gets all shined up and all those kids with OCD got their first butterflies-in-tummy over how clean he got..?

….No…? Is that just me? WHATEVER I’m not alone here. LOTS OF PEOPLE LIKE TO SEE STUFF GET CLEAN.

xcxzcxzc
[ A silver tea set on a round tray. It’s particularly small, like a one-cup teapot, lidded sugar bowl, and creamer with filigree handles and etching. It’s very dull with patches of black tarnish. ]
My partner got really attached to this tea set when we were at a thrift store. I kind of felt like I had more than my fair share of silver already and rarely use it outside of Halloween (tarnished silver makes perfect Halloween decor.) I had to admit that it was pretty cute though. He put it down but kept coming back to it until I was like, “Do you really want that?” and he was like ;….; “Kinda….” which is Nico for “A lot,” so we got it.

[ The same tea set, but bright and tarnish-free. Much elbow grease with a toothbrush took place here. ]
[ The same tea set, but bright and tarnish-free. Much elbow grease with a toothbrush took place here. ]
SO SHINY. I don’t polish silver regularly so I think I have gotten used to silver I have around being a little dull and the only kind that’s this bright is the chromed plastic stuff you see in delis that are trying to look fancy, but are clearly plastic. So I feel like it looks almost fake now. o….O;; Shit I can use it as a mirror.

[ The same tea set in the background, focus is on a floral teacup and a crystal plate on a short foot. The plate has a lightly toasted flower-shaped twist of bread with two green leaves and pale pink cream on the side. ]
[ The same tea set in the background, focus is on a floral teacup and a crystal plate on a short foot. The plate has a lightly toasted flower-shaped twist of bread with two green leaves and pale pink cream on the side. ]
The pot is just enough for about two small tea cups of tea or one mug. And since I was finally breaking out to use it I thought I would also use my flower bread cutter for the first time too. It’s a simple cutter that cuts a scalloped shape out of bread. You just coil it a bit into a flower shape and call it a day.

[ A stock photo of a pink shape cutter for bread, still in its packaging. ]
[ A stock photo of a pink shape cutter for bread, still in its packaging. ]

I’ve seen someone crush freeze dried strawberries and blueberries and use them as a sort of ‘powder coloration’ on flower breads and I want to do that SUPER bad. SO CUTE. This thing is definitely a fast way to make a snack or tea treat that looks way fancier than a plain piece of toast. It…. makes me want to eat lots of bread. Ehem.

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I’ve included the link I purchased this cutter at on Amazon, though it appears to be sold out. eBay has some, but it’s not really a reliable store. : ( If you want to search for it, my Japanese sucks in terms of reading the kanji and shit but the title says it’s a “Flower Ham Roll Maker” (furawaa hamu rooru meka) Good luck! : D がんばれ!

I will eat this every day — Shredded Asparagus Tartine (AH; SPM 25)

“Tartine” is a fancy French way of saying “put good shit on toast and then eat it.” Probably. The internet said something like that but I don’t speak French so fuckifiknow. I’m trusting the internet. And Martha Stewart. I think her magazine said that’s what tartine was once. (Maybe with other words though.)

aspar1
[ A pile of asparagus, one partially shredded into thin strips. A vegetable peeler lays near it. ]
I think that a lot of people don’t really know how to cook asparagus. It can get totally nasty if you do it weird. (MyFitnessPal has a listing for “boiled, drained”. … if you don’t think you like asparagus and you’re boiling it, I think I know why you don’t like it. I feel like the entry should say “Asparagus: boiled, drained: 0 calories cause you couldn’t stomach that shit.”)

aspar2
[ A bowl of shredded asparagus next to a tiny plate with minced garlic and ginger. Ingredients lay nearby: lemon, garlic, and ginger root. ]
My sister’s husband taught us the boss way to make asparagus– putting it in a frying pan on heat, a pinch of salt, then add a few spoons of water and put the lid on to steam it for just 3 minutes. Of course one of the MOST IMPORTANT parts of prepping asparagus is breaking off the woody lower stem. It won’t matter how you cook it if that part is still on there. Meh. But if the stringiness of it bothers you at all, shredding it is a perfect solution because it breaks it into such small pieces. It also cooks way faster than three minutes too (if three minutes ’til food is too long for you. Damn, that’s like… microwave time.) Makes it perfect for speed cooking. The only reason this took 25 minutes was because that’s how long the grönsakskaka took to bake. You really only need 5 minutes for the egg and asparagus portion. This asparagus is great hot but, shredded like this, it also translates well cold for cutelunches.

[ A plate with a doily looking edge that holds an open faced sandwich. An egg is prominent. There are bits of shredded asparagus visible below. To the side, a dish of almonds and dried fruit. ]
[ A plate with a doily looking edge that holds an open faced sandwich. An egg is prominent. There are bits of shredded asparagus visible below. To the side, a dish of almonds and dried fruit. ]
Recipes:

  • Shredded Asparagus with Ginger and Garlic

Other Items Included:

  • sourdough bread
  • grönsakskaka (Ikea’s timbale)
  • egg
  • date
  • raisins
  • raw almonds

Shredded Asparagus with Ginger and Garlic

Appx. 8 spears of asparagus

1 clove garlic

1/2 t fresh minced ginger

1t fresh lemon juice

Appx. 1/8 t zest

S & P

pinch sugar

1/2 t – 1 t olive oil

1 t water (for cooking)

Break off the woody stems by bending asparagus lightly and letting it snap where it wants to. Shave asparagus with a potato/vegetable peeler. It works most quickly if you hold the asparagus against your thumb with one hand and slide the peeler over it, pressed against your thumb. You won’t cut yourself. : D Unless you really suck at life. Then you might. I don’t know. You probably won’t.

Cook the shreds on medium with a little water and oil if you like (oil can add healthy nutrients, water helps speed the heating, but neither are necessary.) For a stronger garlic taste, add the garlic and ginger right at the end and just get them hot. For a milder taste, you can cook them in oil or water first and then add your asparagus. Add lemon juice and salt and pepper at the end. Add a tiny pinch (tiny!) of sugar, just to balance the tartness.

This is also good with a honey, dijon mustard, and garlic mix— nutritional yeast powder — shaved parm cheese — butter and garlic — probably fucking peanut butter, I don’t even know cause asparagus is just so good it’d probably find a way to make that work. (Or not. Don’t try it and blame me. Peanut butter and asparagus at your own peril.)

[ A close up of a cut egg, yolk dripping down the front of the sandwich and onto the plate to show vegetable layers beneath the egg. ]
[ A close up of a cut egg, yolk dripping down the front of the sandwich and onto the plate to show vegetable layers beneath the egg. ]
The richness of this particular tartine comes from the Grönsakskaka— that’s the fancy word on the Ikea box for their potato, cauliflower, leek, and broccoli dumplings. They have chives and other garden-y kind of seasonings, as well as cream. Mmmm, how inappropriate. :3 It’s like… firm scalloped potato shreds with other veggies in a patty form. I baked it in the oven and smashed it lightly and put the asparagus on, dusted with the zest, and placed the egg on that.

The creaminess is not overbearing or greasy feeling at all and it balances the tart, slightly earthy and spicy flavors of the asparagus. You can tell I loved it because I’m talking food porn right now like I’m a legit chef on TV or some shit. This is my way of saying OH GOD IT IS SO GOOD MAKE IT.  It’s fantastic just like this, it’d be tasty without the potatoes if you can’t get something like that, but in my opinion it wouldn’t be quite as good without the asparagus. So if one thing has got to go, drop the tatos. (You could easily add a thin bit of mayo or something to bring up some of that lost creaminess if you’re into that sort of thing.)

Lazy MyFitnessPal Nutrition Facts: As shown (not including nuts and fruit) appx 477 cals; 50 carbs; 23 fat; 18 protein; 7 fiber; 711 sodium

 

These vegan coconut marshmallows are awful.

cocoa1
[ A spoon with a scoop of drippy marshmallow fluff. It has a golden brown sheen, as it’s been mixed with coconut flour already. There is a rolling pin and a dusting of powdered sugar near the spoon. ]
Using marshmallow fluff is usually a good way of getting that marshmallow vibe without selling your firstborn to afford vegan marshmallows at Whole Foods. In the past, I have mixed fluff with powdered sugar in order to create a stiffer consistency to make things like s’mores over a fire.

That makes an already sweet item like, super sweet though. I kinda got the idea that it might be really cool to take up some of that wetness of the fluff and make it more solid with coconut flour. It’s just ground coconut, right? So it ought to taste good? Coconut marshmallows! GOOD IDEA!

[ A mess of powdered sugar with a rolling pin nearby. A rolled ball of thickened fluff has one heart shape cut into it. Another cut piece appears to have been removed. Or attempted to. It's a sticky, misshapen mush. ]
[ A mess of powdered sugar with a rolling pin nearby. A rolled ball of thickened fluff has one heart shape cut into it. Another cut piece appears to have been removed. Or attempted to. It’s a sticky, misshapen mush. ]
It ended up taking a fair bit of coconut flour to get the fluff into a solid enough, rollable state. Balling it up, it kept getting sticky so I had to keep adding powdered sugar around it to make it manageable, but then it’d suck that up as well. By that time, I was wondering if I’d really cut that much sugar out at all. The first cut was clean but the second was immediately sticky and I realized I’d have to add a ton more sugar or wash the cutter between each cut. I started to wonder how I could honestly recommend making ANYTHING that required washing a cutter between each and every single cut…

[ One heart-shaped marshmallow, sort of golden brown in color. Another is in the process of being formed. ]
[ One heart-shaped marshmallow, sort of golden brown in color. Another is in the process of being formed. ]
So at that point, I was like ‘cussit’ and started molding them by hand like clay thinking, “This was a bad idea. Who is going to give a shit about heart shaped marshmallows enough to mold EACH one by hand..?! I can’t blog this!”

I got everything put together because I was already this far into it. The table was set, the lights were set. I made the cocoa and came out to load the marshmallow in. May as well in case they’re delicious. Pains in the asses, but delicious pains in the asses.

I used this tiny, itty bitty offset spatula to slip the marshmallow into the cup. I only had 2 and I didn’t want to risk splashing it in and getting the top of the marshmallow discolored. I knew I had to be fast though because I didn’t know if these would start to melt immediately or what. It was an experiment and so I had no concept what would happen…

[ A floral print mug of cocoa on a folded napkin. A table is covered with a large crocheted doily and there's dishes of marshmallow making ingredients in the background. ]
[ A floral print mug of cocoa on a folded napkin. A table is covered with a large crocheted doily and there’s dishes of marshmallow making ingredients in the background. ]

IT SANK.

That son of a bitch “marshmallow” touched the cocoa and then sank like a cussing ROCK to the bottom of the cup, leaving that taunting, smarmy foam void to show me where it’d gone down.

cocoa5
[ A picture of a photo shoot set up- a white backdrop, lights, props arranged, and serving tools for arranging. ]

I had to laugh. That kind of laugh where you also rub your eyes and sigh. This is too goddamn much work. What was I thinking?? Served me right, sinking marshmallows, for being such a millennial douche to make hand-crafted fucking marshmallows  for a fucking blog photo shoot anyway. Like this is some Williams Sonoma hipster shit up in here. WTH. So I decided to immediately drink my cocoa, because now I could really use a cup. (With peppermint Schnapps.) And, sunken or not, they might actually be super tasty…

cocoa6
[ A close up of a thin, heart-shaped ball of suck that has a smaller heart impressed into the middle. It looks more like a cookie of failure than a marshmallow. Woe is me. ]

THEY WEREN’T.

They were sickly sweet. The coconut flavor was good but the texture turned to powder in the back of my throat and made me cough. It was so sugary that trying to drink the cocoa afterward was just too much. They didn’t even really melt. The whole cup of cocoa tasted like sadness and failure.

Never, ever, ever make coconut flour marshmallows. 😦

Cuss to cooking dinner. (AH; uhhh… I forget what I’m supposed to type here.)

You know when you’re supposed to go grocery shopping but you didn’t because grocery shopping sucks? Tonight I’m blogging with wine.

IMG_1045
[ A bag of rice spilling out on bamboo cutting board. A nearby green bowl holds more rice inside it.
I’m at the point where I’ve got people to feed and I ain’t got much to do it with. Shit, I need to go to the grocery store.

I picked up some of this sprouted grain rice because rice is carbs and carbs is like… carbs. But if it’s sprouted carbs it’s healthy, right?

IMG_1048
[ There is hummus in this bowl. It’s like, yellow. Cause there’s carrots in it. There are green things in the background. Photography goodness says you should have complimentary colors. I should have red things in this photo too. I’m out of red things. ]
I decided to make some carrot hummus because hummus is good for you and carrot hummus has got to be better for you than regular hummus. I made hummus (you know how to do that, right? If not, Google.) and then I put a hand full of carrots in it. That seemed like a good idea until it was really sweet. Uh. What. And then it didn’t taste right. There was tahini and garlic and shit and then… like… oh! right, then I got this idea and added cumin. It seemed like it needed cumin. Cumin was a good idea. I liked it with green beans, but not with the cauliflower. Shit, that’s broccoli. Jesus, I’m drunk. Forget this hummus, it sucks.

IMG_1049
[ A closeup of chopped celery, apples, and walnuts in a silver bowl. ]
Then I put celery and apples in that rice. And also walnuts. Because protein.

IMG_1051
[ A small bowl with ingredients inside: stone ground mustard, maple syrup, and garlic powder. ]
So rice tastes a little plain. I was thinking that maybe actually coconut oil might taste good? But that would like, take melting it and I didn’t know if it didn’t work then that’d waste a lot of food. So then I thought honey mustard. That’s.. fuck, whatever, I thought it’d be good. But we didn’t have any. So I used stone ground mustard with horseradish, which was a good idea cause I thought horseradish was a good idea. And then maple cause like…. sweet. And garlic powder. Then I stirred it all up. Cause cooking.

IMG_1057YAY DINNER. Cooking sucks.

This dish tastes fine with warm rice and the apples and celery raw, but I liked it better the next day, cold. It’s a bit humorless, even with the fruit and mustard in it because it’s so like… grains, you know? Definitely tastes like a health food. It’s not a bad flavor but it’s really dense and natural. So I think it benefits from being a side rather than a main, but is really convenient as a cold grain salad for lunches and such. Might also be good with a bit of chopped raw onion too. Definitely cheap food if you’re on a budget and need to get really full, so that’s good! Still a bit of a work in progress, but I think the general gist of grains and fruit is working. … And we won’t talk about the hummus.

Lovey Lazy … uh, Saturday. (Why are there no days that start with L? I AM GOING FOR ALLITERATION, HERE!) (AH; snack)

Maaaaaaaaan, I got shit going on lately. You know that feeling of like, damn, I don’t want to do that thing I have to do. Maybe if I just get through this cup of coffee then I will feel like doing it. So you drink your coffee warily and then you look up at the clock and it’s 8pm and you didn’t do anything and then you’re like, “SHIT!” and you wake up the next morning and you have that feeling like, damn, I don’t want to do that thing I have to do. Maybe if I just get through this cup of coffee?

….Well I was doing that so I added some heart shaped cookies. Yeah, that’s right. TWO big ass cookies. And that was breakfast. Because I am five. And being a grown up is not always fun. And I needed some love today.

[ A small tray with tiny, oversaturated colorful flowers holds a small coffee cup and plate of cookies. The cup is white with red polka dots and has a red lid with a teddy bear handle to keep the heat in. The cookies are heart shaped shortbreads, dipped in dark chocolate on one side and striped with white chocolate. There is a sprinkling of raspberries next to the cookies and on the tray, as well as in a bowl on a slab of wood in the background. ]
[ A small tray with tiny, oversaturated colorful flowers holds a small coffee cup and plate of cookies. The cup is white with red polka dots and has a red lid with a teddy bear handle to keep the heat in. The cookies are heart shaped shortbreads, dipped in dark chocolate on one side and striped with white chocolate. There is a sprinkling of raspberries next to the cookies and on the tray, as well as in a bowl on a slab of wood in the background. ]

I got my cookies from Costco. I didn’t even make those. A day without cooking is a nice day indeed! And thanks to the power of cookies, it’s 45 minutes before 8 and I have started the things I need to do. IMPROVEMENT!!!

(Hell yeah, I tagged this “really easy”.)